I had Patchouli euthanized Wednesday. She had developed neurological issues this past summer...well, she actually was never quite right, was a sick piglet which is why she was given to me. But she developed what we are quite sure was megaesophagus (it's a neuro condition that affects the ability of the esophagus to allow food to pass through and swallowing) and would choke on her food making it come out her nasal passages and really choke her. These episodes became more frequent and lasted longer...by Wednsday she hadn't eaten since Sunday and it was awful. There is nothing to do to fix it and I could not stand to see her struggling to even breathe smoothly. and she was afraid to even try to eat or drink. and to a pig...eating is a big deal.

her passing was very easy, sweet and peaceful. but I of course am second guessing myself and feeling guilty because I feel relieved more than anything right now. I worried about her all the time.
the relief is hard to deal with. because she has become so very difficult to take care of...she was very clumsy on her feet and had to be walked in and out cuz there is a ramp she couldn't or wouldn't use any more and she for some reason couldn't use the litter box even though it was only 2-3 inches at the edge and when she'd choke there would be horrible slimey green (from her food) gobs all over and I would be angry although I tried to never take it out on her.
so I second guess myself even though I KNOW it was horrible for her...beyond horrible.
I don't miss the pig she had become. the sick one. I miss my smart cute pig that she used to be.
mostly all this summer she was outside laying in the sun and eating grass. so I felt she was still happy enough. But winter...I did not want to deal with it inside and she got so bad....I dunno. it's such a big responsibility to end something's life and I know I did the right thing but it's so hard still and I miss my pig.